Crushed to Pieces

Brooding has always been a favorite, nay, standard past time of mine. Call me a freak, a nerd, or a fairy, I frequently blame my character flaws on the Zodiac. Yes, I guess it's a little immature and naïve, but it's easier than me taking blame for my own faults and vices.

As a Cancer and thusly a water-sign, I'm prone to what one of my coworkers at Central Res calls emotional craziness. My friend Kelly--a Scorpio (another water sign)--and I deal with our excessively emotional natures by getting into what we call our "coffins"--blaring depressing music on our iPods while we lay in bed with all the covers over our heads. I remember searching for answers to our fucked up love lives online and finding out that I was born on the cusp of Cancer and Leo. Being born on the Cancer/Leo cusp apparently translates into an inevitable self-loathing due to the conflict between the sun and moon, water and fire, and all other opposites that govern the two different signs. But enough of my belly-aching about my personal issues and staying in bed until 1pm, sometimes I just have to snap out of it and let the sun in a little...

In my previous post, I mentioned how summer flings are one of my favorite things of the season. Right now, it's not looking that way. Current fling is turning into the greatest duality of me sulking and being on Cloud 9; I don't think I've been this bipolar since high school.

Who and how I am all the time seems like some crazy gay in love: I'm sunny, optimistic, the first to laugh in any situation. When I'm crushing, I have this penchant for focusing too much on the object of my affection, planning our futures together, dreaming of a perfect world where we can be together 24/7/365, rationalizing every reason he might not want to be with me at this moment in time because I'm so not good enough for him with my not-so-perfect-skin, overly-clingy and latching tendencies.

Suddenly, I metamorphose into this sullen, sulky statue covered in gross, green globs of algae and slime. I feel like I just sit and wait at the bottom of this lake where I drown in all of my negative thoughts and emotion. I know it's not worth the time or energy to put all my faith in some man, but all I allow myself to do is hope that he'll rescue me from the abyss and consequently discover I'm actually some merman not this pile of pond scum that's been growing more disgusting with each passing day in the depths.

Connection to my life: I am crushing, and I've got it bad. It's one of those times when I feel like the smallest thing just breaks me apart. For instance, we plan to hang out, it doesn't work out, and I immediately fall into a depression. Other textbook examples of me being crazy while crushing include:

1. Being sullen when crushes don't respond to text messages, notes, phone calls, etc.
   
2. Watching romance movies and bawling at the happy ending
3. Screening my phone calls and wondering why crush hasn't been calling and why everyone else seems to like me except him
4. Wondering at all times if crush is thinking about me all the time because I clearly am thinking about him and almost borderline obsessing over him
5. Dreaming about what's going to happen tomorrow (Yes, I am Patricia Arquette in Medium)
6. Brooding
   
7. Making pointless lists

Like I wrote earlier, sometimes all I have to do is snap out of it, and I don't want to give the impression that I'm only depressed while crushing. Let's compare the previous list with my ebullient nature. Imagine a depressed Kyle while at the same time he's probably the happiest person on the face of the planet along the lines of Ariel in Disney's The Little Mermaid. Exhibit A: (fast forward to 4:40 and watch for about a minute and a half)



Similar to Julia Roberts's character in My Best Friend's Wedding, I might be better with food. Let's liken my inner conflict at current moment to an optimistic and effervescent chocolate outside with a cold disgusting puke center. I just want to dissolve into my normal chocolate covered Kyle. The Dark Knight plus Kathleen equals amazing diversion right now...

Summer Love

Now that class has finished and I've been at home in Pennsylvania for a few weeks, I feel like summer has really started. I can sit on my porch, drink a paloma cocktail in my favorite glass, and reread Jane Austen books until I fall asleep at 4am. On second thought, I guess I only do that on days when I don't have to be up at 5:30 to go to my job...

Summer lives in an interesting place in my life. It's a wonderful time of year: the warmth, the sun, thunderstorms, my birthday, summer clothes, driving with the music up and the windows down, being home with my dog for an extended period of time, visiting with old friends, making new friends, summer romances... I feel like I have more time to think, reflect on events, and plan out how I'm going to implement ideas for change and growth in the following year. Then again, maybe that's just the nature of having a summer birthday.

But, with all these bonuses come the downs: working in my yard, being around my parents all the time, humidity, mosquitos, weird smells of central Pennsylvania, and family reunions. Maybe it's the balance of all these aspects that make me love this time of year so much.